I was discharged from the hospital last night and I am feeling alright.
The cancerous tumor was originally found when I went to see my infertility doctor to see about using our frozen embryos for another pregnancy. At that time, he told me we needed to remove what he thought would be a benign cyst on my left ovary before trying to get pregnant. In the meantime before having that surgery, I had severe and persistent abdominal pain that sent me to the ER where they ran scans showing cancer. Still my infertility doctor was sure it wasn't cancer because of my age and that he had seen tumors like that before that weren't cancerous. You can imagine his and my shock and horror that the 14cm tumor that was removed was in fact cancerous.
Because of the grade of the tumor he took out (grade 3- the highest grade meaning cancer throughout), it was determined my survival rate would be greatest if I had a hysterectomy. As sad and as hard of a decision as that was to make with the obvious agony of not being able to bear anymore children, I knew I couldn't take the greater risk of fertility-saving surgery that would reduce my survival rate dramatically. Already with Stage 1 (that is still my stage, thankfully) my survival rate is 85-95% but would have dropped to as low as 50% without the hysterectomy should the cancer not have all been removed the first time. If we risked that the chemo would take care of the rest but it really did come back, it would be terminal. I couldn't, with the family I am blessed to already have, take that risk.
I must say that I feel Heavenly Father lined this situation up much before now. He allowed Ammon and I to have "unexplained" infertility so that we could produce many frozen embryos that perhaps can be used later. He gave me the pain that sent me to the ER to determine what was wrong. In dissecting the tumor, pathology found that it rated high for estrogen and progesterone receptors which means cells that might otherwise remain dormant might become active if they are hormonally stimulated such as in pregnancy. So even if we saved my uterus and I was cured, when I went to get pregnant again, the cancer could be back and when it comes back, it is non-curable.
As hard as it was to even think about the option of hysterectomy, once I did, all these thoughts came flooding into my mind that essentially said "this is why you had infertility, you cannot get pregnant again, and this is the right choice to have the hysterectomy". I feel like Heavenly Father told me "there is no way you can carry any more children so this is the only decision you can make to be cured of this cancer". I have felt very comforted knowing God had the forethought, as He does in all things, to prepare a way for me to do what was necessary to save my life. And, once I am cured (which the hope is very great for that and the odds are in my favor), then we can hopefully yet realize the family we desire.
I have no doubt that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there helping us through our trials. I have been through too many experiences to doubt their existence and their very careful involvement in my life. I know They live, love each of us and watch over us!
