I'm in REMISSION!!!

So it's official...I'M IN REMISSION!!! I saw my doctor and even though my counts aren't totally normal yet (my CA-125 was the same as the previous month- go figure), that is how she classifies me. She said there is no presence of any cancer that can be detected so the number not being perfect can just mean endometriosis. I still am a bit troubled by that categorization because is that really what's going on? Such a hard spot to be in! I keep telling myself that I just have to celebrate where I'm at and "not borrow trouble" as my father-in-law says. That's good advice to keep in the moment and not worry about what should or could or might be.

All I can say is that I am so happy to be through the treatments and to have my energy level back! It's hard to believe it's been over 2 months since my last chemo treatment. So exciting.

I went to my first cancer survivor meeting. It was weird to think I could qualify to be in that category. I felt awkward going with my numbers still a concern but since I'm done with treatment, I fit the standard. The meeting talked a lot about just that...not feeling like you can call yourself a "survivor". The 3-time cancer survivor speaker who is also an oncology nurse said that she and so many people express this concern because they fear a relapse. That's definitely what I fear too.

During my doctor's visit, I asked about that. She gave me good news that should improve my recurrence rate. She said she went to a tumor conference where a renowned pathologist looked at my tumor and did not see the nodule on my omentum that originally had classified me as a Stage 3B. He said there was presence of cancer there but not a bump so my stage has been downgraded to 3A- yeah!! That means my recurrence rate decreased from 60-70% to 50%. Still not zero but I love that my odds have improved. I queried when relapse could occur and she indicated that it usually occurs within the first 2 years. Usually patients are followed every 3 months for the first year and every month for the second then yearly. She asked how I would like to be followed. I decided on being seen more often than 3 months out (I'll go back in 2) and that I wanted my blood work taken monthly.

We again hit on whether surgery was recommended. She again said the benefit isn't really there statistically. So again, I felt I shouldn't go that route.

I asked her if there were any maintenance treatments that could benefit me and she told me about 2 drugs I could try. The first I have taken before and the other comes with an enormous list of likely side effects, including the possibility of death- hmm, isn't that what I'm trying to beat?... She said for the first drug, studies have been done where patients take the drug monthly for a year which resulted in their time to recurrence being stretched out by 7 months. The second was administered in the same way yielding a 4 month stretch before recurrence. My doctor said both were available to me but that those stats are not very impressive and didn't think they were worth it. I agreed. So basically, there's nothing more that can be done but to keep checking my blood work and continue to pray that the cancer is gone for good.

So, what am I to do in the meantime?...celebrate my small victories!! One thing I'm doing to celebrate and live life is to go on a cancer survivor trip. A dear lady in my ward let me know about a young adult cancer survivor camp that pays for participants to enjoy "outdoor therapy" high-adventure trips. Cancer survivors can choose from rock climbing, surfing or white-water kayaking. I chose the latter. There weren't supposed to be any openings until next summer but one opened up at the last minute for next week and I'm going!! They will fly me out to the Great Smoky Mountains for a week where I can learn to kayak! I'll stay in a log cabin with a hot tub (I know, it'll be rough) and kayak each day. One day we'll go white water rafting too! I'm super excited and can't wait for this great experience! I'll get lots of pictures and post em on the blog when I get back. The organization is called First Descents. Check out their website firstdescents.org  Wish me luck in taming the rapids!

Wig looks

These are my various looks these days:

Be sure to vote for your favorite on the poll.

Left up to me...

The dilemma: So, I've been done with chemo for over a month now. I had my follow-up visit a couple weeks ago with my doctor (who had been on maternity leave) where I was hoping to get more answers and direction on my continued care. When she told me my CA-125 had gone down to 28.5 (last time it was 47) I shouted "hurray". My number had dropped 20 points in a month! That seemed pretty good to me considering my numbers had been flirting back and forth in the 40s the last few times. She burst my bubble when she responded that it still isn't good enough. Unfortunately, the fact that it has not gone down to normal is still baffling. She indicated it should be in the 10s or lower following chemo. 

Knowing this, she presented me with a couple options- either we keep me under observation checking my blood monthly or we go in for a "second look" laproscopic surgery. In bringing up the surgery, she said that statistically, a second look doesn't improve prognosis. This used to be the standard practice following chemo but since it didn't improve outcomes, it was discontinued. I asked her if she would recommend it for me. She said it was up to me. I asked her if she believed the elevated level could be due to endometriosis as her colleagues had suggested. She said it's hard to know but it's possible. My doctor also mentioned that we never had a baseline for me before the surgeries and chemo so perhaps this is or approaching normal for me. 

Back to the surgery option I asked what she would advise me to do. Again she said it was up to me but, she said, with me being so young, she would do everything she possibly could to make sure the cancer was gone. So I thought that was my answer. She asked which option I was leaning toward. I said the surgery. Then she said she had to warn me that, with the previous surgeries I had had and having just finished chemo, my body might have more scar tissue around my abdomen. This becomes a problem if there is too much and she can't get the scope in turning my simple laproscopic surgery into a full vertical incision major abdominal surgery. That would bring the unwelcome consequences of a 6 week recovery, not being able to lift my daughter again for that time, increased risk for infection, etc. That threw me for a loop. I asked if she thought I really would have a lot of scarring and again she couldn't say until she was in there.  We left it for me to decide and let her know if I want to do the surgery. 

The thought process: So I left and called Ammon to discuss. We came to the decision to proceed with the laproscopic surgery but if it would need to switch to the full incision then to stop. That seemed ok. 

Then in speaking with my parents, my dad asked a good question of what the harm would be in waiting another month. Could a new tumor really grow that fast. I remembered back to that same issue when I was to have my surgery after my tumor was removed. It was very difficult to get on my doctors surgery schedule and she told me if we needed to wait 3-4 weeks to get me in, that my cancer was not going to grow in that time. She said it was fast growing cancer but not that fast growing. 

 

Another thing to consider is if I have surgery and residual cancer is found, I'd need to wait 3 weeks to recover before starting chemo or whatever treatment that would follow, plus however much time it would take to get in to even have the surgery. But if I waited and my counts go up then I'd be out 4 weeks from my last doctor's visit before starting treatment, if it was needed. For either choice, the time frame would be about the same.

The decision: Considering that I had a negative CT scan, a significant decrease in my CA-125, the other factors spelled out above and after praying about it, I feel the risk is too great to do the surgery now. I made that choice and then had a conversation with someone else whose husband has cancer that helped confirm it. She communicated to me that it took awhile for his number to come down too. Granted he had a different type of cancer but it seems right to think it might take awhile for all of that chemo to work through the cells of the body until they show in the blood work that they're healthy again. So, I've decided to wait on surgery...at least until the next time my blood is drawn. If it's still not low enough, then I'll probably go through this same thought process again...

Finished with chemo!

I've been so busy lately with the leak in my house and putting things back together once the contractors were done repairing everything, and painting, etc that I haven't had the time to post my most recent happy news- I'm done with chemo!! Yeah!

Can't believe it will already be 2 weeks ago tomorrow I had my last one. I was yucky sick with this last one too, probably because I didn't rest like before- I was just so motivated to get my house repainted inside and start enjoying a *clean* house again that I pushed through it. I definintely used my anti-nausea meds to keep me going but I fininshed. I figured I could either be sick in bed or sick painting so I chose painting- it's so much more rewarding. Now I can rest and enjoy the fruits of my labor. That may be weird thinking to some of you but that's how I do things- I push hard to get my project or whatever I need to do done then I take time to rest. And now I am.

I had my mom here to help me through it all as well. She came out for my last treatment and doctors appointments and just flew home today. I really enjoyed having her around for the end of all this cancer drama. She has been so supportive of me, as have so many of my other family members and friends. While she was here she took care of so much, helped me clean, spoiled us a little and helped entertain my very active toddler while I painted- thanks mom!!

Another shout out goes to my dear husband Ammon. He has seen me through it all remaining positive that I would make it when I was crying that I wouldn't. He gave me a blessing at the beginning of all of this (before I went to the emergency room where I first heard the word 'cancer') that has given us both assurance that I would make it through. He has been by my side at treatments or at home watching our baby so I could go. He worked hard at his job which provides the precious insurance to cover my very expensive surgeries and treatments. He shaved his head for me and remains bald everyday when I can at least wear a wig or hat. He's not demanding and understands when I feel run down and can't do it all. He loves me- scars, bald head and all- and I love him so much more for it.

So, back to chemo. Well, the good news is I'm done. Y-E-A-H, no more awful chemical taste in my mouth, no more nausea and hopefully my hair will grow back soon. But the all-important question of whether I am cancer-free is still quite ambiguous. My CA-125 is still elevated out of the normal range. That was shocking and very disappointing to hear. My doctor said the real mystery is why my level stopped decreasing; it just plateaued. She was concerned what that could mean so she sent me for a CT scan. What she was looking for was any thickening around my organs meaning the cancer could have spread to them or to any new sites. Luckily, there was nothing to be alarmed over from the scan. Phew!

My doc thinks the elevated CA-125 level could mean inflammation such as from endometriosis, which I was found to have at my last surgery (I didn't know this so she gave me a copy of my operative report to read). In talking to my mom and Ammon later we queried how I could have endometriosis if I don't have a uterus anymore?? The next day when I was seen for my chemo the doc answered my question by stating that endometriosis can be found anywhere in the body. It's been found on fingernails, eyes and other places in the body- weird huh? So, my elevated level is explained by endometriosis- yeah for endometriosis! How many of you that suffer with this condition could actually cheer to have it?...but for me, it's a blessing. It's benign.

The docs will just need to keep monitoring my levels. Maybe since I presented abnormally from the beginning, this slightly elevated level is normal for me (or it truly is just endometriosis). I have another doctors appointment in a month to check me again. If there's still a concern, my doc said she may want to do another laproscopic surgery to take a peak inside to rule out any other cancer concerns.

In the meantime, I am celebrating my end-of-chemo victory!

Chemo today

Thankfully my platelets were high enough for chemo today-- up to 138, well over the 100 minimum I  needed and way above last week's level of 52. My WBC is low but not too low to prevent me from getting chemo. I was stoked but what a long day! 

Amelia was sick yesterday and had drainage from her ear in the evening letting me know her "cold" the doctor told me she had on Friday was an ear infection. Poor thing was sick all weekend and did not sleep well. My wonderful husband took it upon himself to get up with her allowing me to sleep so I could recover and be ready for chemo. Poor guy has been dragging- what a trooper. Oh how I love that guy at times like these. :) 

Because I didn't know if Amelia was contagious and not wanting to make anyone else's kids sick, I decided to wait for Ammon to get home after 4pm yesterday and then get my blood drawn. Because of that delay, my blood results weren't ready bright and early this morning. Once I heard they were good though, I was ecstatic and headed over. I first needed to meet with the doctor (it was time for my every 3 week visit) but with a different doctor. My regular doc just had a baby and is on maternity leave. After my visit, I started chemo but quite late at 11:30am and was set to be there for at least 5 hours. This was much more delayed than expected so I had to spend some time arranging for Amelia to be taken to her doctor's appointment, the last appt available at 3:10 in the afternoon, since I wouldn't be able to make it. I also made arrangements for Connor to ride the bus home and stay at a friend's house after school. I am so grateful that all worked out!

My chemo went fine. I am trying to pay attention to my body to see if I have some of the dreaded side effects that my previous regime of having the drugs every week were meant to eliminate. The side effects I most worry about are numbness in my hands and feet (neuropathy) and debilitating nausea. The neuropathy should hit within the first day...so far so good...but the nausea will be more on the 3rd or 4th day once the anti-nausea drugs wear off. I'm not looking forward to that if it hits me.

I also was given a WBC shot called Neulasta. It's a $5,000 shot that my insurance thankfully completely paid for. It is good for 10 days and will allow my bone marrow to be rebuilt in time for my next chemo. Good and bad with this shot- good is I don't have to give myself daily shots..super YEAH..bad is I definitely have more bone pain because the dose is more concentrated. I guess every option comes with its positives and negatives.

I just am very grateful that I was recovered enough to keep up the schedule so I will finish at the end of this month! With my new schedule, I only have one more treatment!! I can't tell you how excited I am! This has been a long road but looking back, it's gone by pretty fast. I've realized most things in my life are like that. Everything I look forward to, whether good or bad, seem to take forever in anticipation and while I'm living them but once I get near to the end, they seem to have passed more quickly than expected. I just feel blessed to be nearing the end and returning to Health!

Change in chemo

So my platelet counts were too low AGAIN this week. They have to be a minimum of 100 to get chemo and they were 55 last week and 52 this week! I don't know how they went down but somehow it was possible. This was a big bummer and pretty scary to me when I heard but my doctor, via my nurse, reassured me this is very common. Many patients that have every week treatments like I had been receiving usually get to a point where their bodies can't recover quickly enough anymore. I was reassured again that my prognosis doesn't change. That's excellent news!

To manage this ongoing problem, my doc has now decided to change how I receive my chemo. What I had been receiving was Carbo Platinin every 3 weeks and small doses of Taxol every week. My doctor has now changed it to me having Carbo still every 3 weeks but the full dose of Taxol too at that time because my body is now needing so much more time to recover. The only reason the Taxol was spaced out before was to reduce side effects. So...those might increase but at least I'll have the 2 weeks in between treatments to recover. If I'm good to get chemo next week, I'll actually finish early by a week. That also means I have a week to play with if I'm not yet recovered. I kindof like the idea of less treatments so I'm ok with this change. Another plus of this more spread out schedule is I don't have to give myself daily shots of Neupogen for my WBC. I'll only need to take those shots the week I have chemo. That will be less shots (yeah!) and the added benefit of not having to deal with the terrible mail-order pharmacy I am now forced by my insurance to use. Long story short- they have messed up my order so many times (I think we're up to 4 or 5 times now) and I have had to spend a good hour on the phone with them everytime to straighten it out...and then they usually still get something wrong. I tell you, that is not how I wish to spend my "free" time when I'm supposed to be recovering.

So, this new schedule has me hopeful that all will work out well. I feel it's all in the Lord's hands and He has plans for my future. Indeed, I have so much to look forward to and live for :)  I know I wouldn't have nearly as positive progress and outlook without the sustaining power of prayers and supportive loved ones in my life. I can't say enough how much I love and appreciate all of you!!

No chemo this week

Sadly my platelet count was too low this week (half of what it needs to be) to be given chemo. My doctor said there is no shot that can be given to elevate them like I already take for my WBC. She said all I can do is take the week off because my body needs more time to recover. The harm in giving me chemo when it's low is that I could have uncontrolled bleeding (platelets help with blood clotting). And the chemo keeps knocking down those amounts so if my counts get too low, I would need a blood transfusion. Obviously I don't want that so I'm *trying* to take it easy.

I'll get my blood taken again on Monday so hopefully it's all good enough for chemo. So far, missing the 2 weeks I have should not affect my outcome nor extend my treatment. Both weeks were low dose Taxol weeks I missed. I do worry though if my blood isn't good this next week if some change will be needed...

Over half-way!

Cancer update: Yes, I am over half-way through my treatments. Yeah! I'm feeling pretty good...much better than I am on the inside. 

I got to "skip" treatment two weeks ago because my WBC (white blood counts) were too low. It didn't feel like I skipped because I was in the office 4 times that week trying to get booster shots to see if my counts could be brought up enough to have the treatment. No go. But thankfully that was my first "break" so I'm not thrown off my schedule (I am slated to finish the end of February) nor does it affect my overall prognosis. To prevent me skipping a week in the future, my doctor wants me to take a booster shot daily for the rest of treatment (before it was "as needed").That's totally worth it to stay on the schedule.

This week, I was able to have treatment as normal as my counts were just fine, I'm sure in large measure due to the shots. I think the effects of the chemo are beginning to catch up to me though. This was a yuckier-than-normal week for me. I felt generally gross most days. And I've started to develop a nasty taste in my mouth. I'm wondering if it's what a lot of patients experience where they end up using plastic utensils to eat because they get a metal taste in their mouth. I wouldn't describe the taste I'm experiencing as metal but more what my sister helped me to identify as "chemical", like the cumulative effect of the chemo is oozing out of me to the point that I'm "tasting" it. Again, worth whatever the cost to be cured. 

I met with my doctor this week (I do so every 3 weeks- at the beginning of each new round of chemo). I asked her if she thought my treatments were working and if I will be in remission after I'm done. She said "yes" without hesitation. Once I'm in remission, I will come for appointments every 3 months for 2 years. If I have no recurrences at that point, I'm considered cured. I so look forward to that!
 
I am so glad I can function more or less normally and that I'm able to take care of my kids and household. I definitely know I am supported by the many prayers that are being offered on my behalf. Thank you all again for strengthening me. It's working!!

Nu hairdo...baldness

On my mission to France, new missionaries would often incorrectly introduce themselves as being "new" by saying "Je suis nu". It was funny because the word 'nu' in French means 'naked'. Trainers would often silently chuckle at the newbie mistake (I know I did) before correcting them of course ;)

That describes how I feel these days...

"I am naked"

...without my hair. 

The last day I had hair. Actually, I'm covering a bit of a bald spot with this scarf.

Last week was a tough week for me. 
I lost all my hair. 
It just kept coming out.  
I would lose about half of the hair I had the previous day. 
Each morning it looked like I lost a small animal from my head. 
It took less than a week.

I have to admit, the hair loss part of cancer has affected me much more than I thought it would. It's a vain thing, I know, but it's the first visible sign that the cancer is real. Even so, I do feel annoyed with myself that I am bothered by my baldness. I guess it's understandable since having hair is something I've always had and to not have it feels so wrong. Men can pull it off well but for women, it's just shocking. I feel so exposed.

The last day I woke up with hair, it was too matted to even brush out so I cut it. I went that day to the wig lady who finished buzzing it for me. When she was done I said "I look like one of my brothers!" I was surprised at how much I especially resembled my brother Jason (the one on the right).

My 3 brothers. 

I haven't let anyone see my bald head except for the wig lady and Amelia (and I don't think she knows what she's looking at). And, I won't be posting any pictures of myself bald any time soon. Looking at my brothers in their short boy haircuts is the closest you'll get to what I look like with no hair ;)

In what he calls a gesture of love, Ammon shaved his head too. He is totally bald...by choice! I told him he didn't have to do it to which he responded that he knew he didn't have to but that he wanted to. He said "love makes you do crazy things!" I agree. I think it's sweet.

Baldie but goodie

I have been wearing mostly hats lately to cover my shorn head. It's been chilly enough for knit caps so that's been convenient. I've worn my lovely wig out a few times too. I always feel self conscious when I wear it because I feel like everyone is staring at me knowing it's fake. Maybe they do. I guess I just need to get over that because this will be my life for awhile.


Health-wise, I've felt really pretty good. Much better than expected and I attribute that to the power of prayer on behalf of so many kind family and friends (thank you everyone). 

My white blood cell count was down last week so I had to delay chemo by one day to see if my blood count had come up, which it had, so I received it last week as planned. But, to increase the production of white blood cells from my bone marrow going forward, I have to take a daily shot. This is evaluated each week through my bloodwork to see if it is needed. For this week, my numbers were good enough to get chemo and my doctor wants me to continue with the shots hoping I can have next week off from the shots (an early Christmas gift?).


Although, I hate needles the shots aren't that bad. I do them myself right into my stomach. I'm somewhat used to self-administered shots since I gave myself daily shots for about 3 months for my last pregnancy. Still, every time I do it, I have to work myself up to it. I know it's all mental but I totally get this anxiety about it. I guess that eventually will become routine and cease to bother me, as so many other weird cancer things will as well (like being bald...I don't know about that one). 

It's amazing how much I used to take for granted (like having hair, health, feeling good all the time, no pain from multiple surgeries, food aversions, etc...). 

All and all, though, I really can't complain. 

I really am blessed. 

I really do believe: 

1) God let me find this cancer when I did because He intended to save my life,

2) He didn't make it impossible to cure (i.e. I was able to have surgery to remove the problem), 

3) There have been advancements in chemotherapy to an almost "proven" science of what works (including what medications to give to reduce side effects like nausea (but nothing for hair loss yet unfortunately)) to help  kill the rest of the cancer. 

I concur with what an LDS pathologist friend of mine told me that God is the Master Physician. He is the source of all knowledge, including medicine, and has allowed man to "discover" it in order to preserve life. Look at the advances in medicine in the last 50 or 100 years-- it can only be called divine. I owe so much to God, to doctors that have dedicated their lives to finding cures and making advances in medicine and to former cancer patients that tried these drugs that are now the standard treatments from which I benefit. 

4) I'm going to beat this. I have so many things on my side including having been healthy to this point, I'm young, I take care of myself, I am positive, I have faith in God, I have an excellent support system, I have excellent doctors and medicine and I have the will to live! All of these will bring me a favorable outcome I am sure.

New do

So, I did it. I cut off my hair (12 inches) and donated it to Lock of Love.

It was a good in between step to prepare for losing my hair which can be any day now.

I don't think I've ever had my hair this short before. It's fun for a change!

Second chemo treatment was yesterday. Again, I've been feeling pretty good. I have occasional yucky moments which thankfully pass quickly. I've had a fairly consistent headache much of the time centralized on my scalp. I wonder if that's a sign of my impending hair loss. I've been told the feeling is more like a too tight ponytail or a tingling sensation. I guess everyone is different. Time will only tell! I just hope it's after Thanksgiving because we'll be getting together with family and I don't want to have to worry about it then. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

First day of chemo

Well, I'll be honest, it was hard to get up this morning. But once I did, I took a shower and then I did have a little pity party for myself as I remembered this song from My Turn On Earth called I'm Not Ready.  It's actually quite sad talking about asking God not to let her be taken yet and if there's a way to make it possible for her to stay because she still has so much yet to do in this life. That's just what I feel like and that's why I'm doing chemo. I have way too much to live for right now to go so what alternative do I have but to fight this with all I have!!-- And I'm going to win! 

After pulling myself together, I decided to dress a little nice (I even wore heels). I felt like being a little ridiculous to throw off the almost ludicrous reality that I have cancer!!  Anyway, I wanted to feel good about myself for this tough day. 

We met with the doctor first who said my blood work looked great. She did make a change to how often my treatments will be administered, barring that I can keep up the pace, I should be done with 6 rounds of chemo in 4 months. This entails no breaks. They will be watching my white blood counts in the blood tests and if they dip, they will give me shot supplements during the week. If they get really low, then I may need a week or two off to bring them back up. Should I get sick or have other complications, I'll need time off too. We all have had flu shots in my house and will be really careful about hand washing and such.
I've really been praying that my side effects will be minimal or next to nothing. So far my prayers have been answered to not have side effects! I'm not feeling sick or anything from the treatment today- whew whoo!  That first day I've heard is the worst so to not have anything is truly an answer to prayer. I'll have to admit that I did break down there before they administered any drugs as the reality of what was about to start hit me. I was given some anxiety medicine to help me relax. Then I was given the Taxol (the one with the greatest side effects) first and then the Carbo. I was also given nausea medicine which is good for 3 days (that's how long the chemo stays in your body). It's good that I haven't had any additional nausea that has slowed me down. They said morning sickness in pregnancy is a good indication of whether you get nauseous or not. Luckily for me, I have been able to eat normally and feel really quite great. I was given a steroid they told me would likely keep me up tonight (hence I feel energetic enough to get this blog posting done now!). The biggest side effect they are concerned about is peripheral neuropathy (numbness in the hands and feet). If I get this, then my doses may be reduced to minimize this effect. Time will only tell on that one. 

Tomorrow is hair cut day (if I still feel well). I am going to donate my long hair to locks of love.  I did check into having a wig made from my own hair. I was discouraged to hear that I don't have nearly enough hair (I have at least 12 inches- that seems like a lot of hair to me) so that it would need to be matched with other hair. It takes about 2-3 months to get it done (I would be nearly done with my treatment by then) and it would be almost cost prohibitive as well at about $2,000!  Then the hair is just like your own hair where you have to curl it and all (my natural curl would be stripped out in the process of making the wig so it would just be straight anyway). Oh well, it was good to check into! -- I'll be looking for a decent synthetic wig (you don't have to do anything to these- just "shake and wear") to have for church and then some other free ones for wearing around the house or under hats. Being that we're into cooler weather now, I can wear wigs, hats and scarves and not get overheated. That's one positive- it's a great time of year to be bald! 
One of my many blessings- count your blessings, name them one by one- sometimes that's all I can do. Just smile and be positive. Otherwise cry and be miserable and that's not where I want to be. 

I'm so grateful for positive friends. For the cute "count your blessings turkey" someone anonymously left on my porch (I have a pretty good guess). For good friends who watched my kids today so Ammon and my mom could go to the treatment and for those that watched my kids on my surgery days. And for people bringing in meals even when I refused them and for others dropping by goodies and flowers and cards and phone calls and comments on my blog and emails and hugs and more offers of help and the countless prayers. I could count so many other good deeds so many have done on my behalf- all of which truly touch my heart and overfill my eyes. Thank you for helping me through this hard time in my life. I feel so loved. I truly stand all amazed.

T minus 15 hours until launch

Today it has been raining very unseasonably. I love it. It actually kinda matches my mood. It almost feels like God is crying along with me.  But, I feel like I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. I have my porta-cath in (very uncomfortable device) and have all my drugs lined up to deal with the side effects. Mentally, I'm feeling pretty confident.

Still, I feel like my life will be launched into a whole new world in a matter of a few hours. Tomorrow morning I start chemotherapy to rid my body of the remaining microscopic cancer cells. 

I like to think of chemotherapy as the process of reshaping the inside of my body just as exercise is the method of reshaping my body on the outside. Every time you workout, you are breaking down the muscles (essentially wiping them out) so they can be built back up. You have to rest yourself between exercise sessions and eat protein and other nourishing foods to fill in what was knocked out. I feel the chemo will be the same way. The drugs will completely wipe out the cells in my body, including the healthy ones, so that the bad ones can be forced out as well. My immune system will be knocked out for awhile just long enough to rid myself of the harmful cancer and then new fresh cells will be allowed to take their place. I will receive chemo once a week for 3 weeks and then have a week break between the sessions before starting the next round. During that week off, another drug will be given to me to encourage white blood cell production from my bones.

This past week, as the days have gotten closer to my start of chemo, I have often thought of Joseph Smith's words (I am in no way comparing myself to his trials or great calling but, I feel I can relate in some small way) when he went to Carthage Jail where he was subsequently martyred "I am going like a lamb to the slaughter; but I am as calm as a summer's morning."  I don't know what lies ahead- whether I will recover fully or not- but I feel confident it is all in Gods' hands and according to His wisdom whatever does happen.

I know He is in charge. 

I credit much of my buoyed spirits to my great support team- 
  My Heavenly Father

and

all of you.

I have felt so strengthened by so many of you in word, email, hug or through an uplifting prayer. I have joked with my son Connor that when I start losing my hair, he'll have to shave his head too. He is not very optimistic about that shouting "noooooo!" every time I bring it up. Oh well. Ammon plans to do so though. That sounds like a fun way to empathize with me- we'll see. Maybe we'll even have some t-shirts made...

Go team cueball Larsen!!

Final pathology report

Well, a few things have changed since my last post. My mom and I went to my post-surgery appointment on Tuesday to hear the final pathology report and treatment going forward. My doctor is very good but she doesn't sugar-coat anything, she just got right into it with the words "it's not as good as we hoped". So, mom and I wiped the smiles off our faces and braced ourselves. The doc told us that the hysterectomy was absolutely the right choice (thank you Heavenly Father for that comfort I felt despite the hard decision). She said the cancer wasn't just on the one ovary, making me a Stage 1 as we originally thought, it was on the second ovary, making me Stage 2 and on the omentum (fatty apron that covers the colon) making me Stage 3. Additionally the cancer was on my abdominal wall (part was removed) and in the abdominal washing meaning I still have microscopic cells in my body. Within the stages, a letter grade of A-C is assigned. The fact that the cancer was on the omentum would have made me a 3A but, for me, they found a nodule less than 2cm making me Stage 3B. (Stage 3C is the most common stage ovarian cancer is caught where the nodule is larger than 2 cm.)

I will start chemo in about a week and will have 6 rounds of 3 weeks each with 1 week off between rounds. The only way to remove the remaining microscopic cells is through chemotherapy- a regimen of weekly carbo platinin and taxol drugs given intravenously. I will be having a porta-cath installed near my clavical to administer the medicine and to take the weekly blood samples. One blood test I will have periodically is the CA-125 tumor marker that will tell us if the chemo is working.

After the appointment, the doctor led us down the hall to where rows of women were sitting in easy chairs with IV poles next to them. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. Then I registered shock and I said to my mom "what is this place?...it looks like a hall of death!" The women all looked so sickly and old with no hair and pale or yellow skin. I did not know that this was how the chemotherapy was administered. I did ask the nurse why it was given out in the open like that and she it was for support reasons. She said they do have some private rooms that I can use but they have found that the patients like it better when they can all be out there together helping each other through it. I, by far, will be the youngest one there. Most women are in their 60s or older. In fact one of the women said I looked 16 (I guess compared to all of them I would). The rest of the visit with the chemo nurse was very emotional as the reality of this very horrible disease was hitting me. I think I was numb as pages and books and tote bags of information were given to me. I have a lot to process and about a week until that place will be my life.  


I spoke to a friend who said I really need to live it up and do and eat what I like before I start so, mom and I picked up this beauty:

Ammon said "oh, I see you got something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate!" (a line from Shrek). Yes, indeed I did. And it was yummy ;)


So, how am I feeling? Well, initially I was feeling very anxious and freaked out when I heard the final results but with a few days now to reflect and pray, I have been feeling calm. Throughout this, I have had a peace that everything will be okay and I need to keep reminding myself to hold onto that. I'm not sure what that feeling means as far as outcome but I'm naturally hopeful that it means I will be completely cured. I am reminded of a favorite talk by Sheri L. Dew called This is a Test, it is only a Test that reminds me that my trial of cancer is just that, a test. It is a very important one that Heavenly Father has given me to see how I will act and react under this trying circumstance. Heavenly Father, in His foresight and goodness, specially fitted this challenge to me to make me grow because He trusts me (sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much!). Through it, He expects me to reach out to Him, and to use the Atonement of His Son, to become what I am to become. I pray continually that I can succeed at this most difficult of exams. And of course I pray that my body will fight the cancer and that the chemo will allow me to be completely void of disease so that I can live a long, full life. I intend to beat this and to pass this test as He would expect me to!

Post surgery

I was discharged from the hospital last night and I am feeling alright. 

The cancerous tumor was originally found when I went to see my infertility doctor to see about using our frozen embryos for another pregnancy. At that time, he told me we needed to remove what he thought would be a benign cyst on my left ovary before trying to get pregnant. In the meantime before having that surgery, I had severe and persistent abdominal pain that sent me to the ER where they ran scans showing cancer. Still my infertility doctor was sure it wasn't cancer because of my age and that he had seen tumors like that before that weren't cancerous. You can imagine his and my shock and horror that the 14cm tumor that was removed was in fact cancerous. 

Because of the grade of the tumor he took out (grade 3- the highest grade meaning cancer throughout), it was determined my survival rate would be greatest if I had a hysterectomy. As sad and as hard of a decision as that was to make with the obvious agony of not being able to bear anymore children, I knew I couldn't take the greater risk of fertility-saving surgery that would reduce my survival rate dramatically. Already with Stage 1 (that is still my stage, thankfully) my survival rate is 85-95% but would have dropped to as low as 50% without the hysterectomy should the cancer not have all been removed the first time. If we risked that the chemo would take care of the rest but it really did come back, it would be terminal. I couldn't, with the family I am blessed to already have, take that risk. 

 

I must say that I feel Heavenly Father lined this situation up much before now. He allowed Ammon and I to have "unexplained" infertility so that we could produce many frozen embryos that perhaps can be used later. He gave me the pain that sent me to the ER to determine what was wrong. In dissecting the tumor, pathology found that it rated high for estrogen and progesterone receptors which means cells that might otherwise remain dormant might become active if they are hormonally stimulated such as in pregnancy. So even if we saved my uterus and I was cured, when I went to get pregnant again, the cancer could be back and when it comes back, it is non-curable.  

As hard as it was to even think about the option of hysterectomy, once I did, all these thoughts came flooding into my mind that essentially said "this is why you had infertility, you cannot get pregnant again, and this is the right choice to have the hysterectomy". I feel like Heavenly Father told me "there is no way you can carry any more children so this is the only decision you can make to be cured of this cancer". I have felt very comforted knowing God had the forethought, as He does in all things, to prepare a way for me to do what was necessary to save my life. And, once I am cured (which the hope is very great for that and the odds are in my favor), then we can hopefully yet realize the family we desire.

I have no doubt that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there helping us through our trials. I have been through too many experiences to doubt their existence and their very careful involvement in my life. I know They live, love each of us and watch over us!

My health

We received some difficult news this past week. Following a surgery the previous week to remove a tumor, it was determined that I have ovarian cancer. I had a couple of scans to determine if the cancer had spread and those thankfully came back negative. My stage of cancer, as shown from the scans, is stage I but that can change when I go into surgery today if microscopic cancer cells are found elsewhere. Any affected areas will be removed and then once I recover from surgery, I will need to undergo about 6 months of chemotherapy. As you can imagine, this is all very sudden and shocking. Our lives are turned upside right now yet we feel calm and confident. We are grateful for the urgency and skill of the doctors in treating me and find assurance in a blessing I received prior to my emergency room visit that showed the cancer.



We felt the need to inform so many friends and family so that we can have the support we need during this most trying of trials. Your prayers on behalf of my health and recovery are very much appreciated. Also, you may consider putting my/our name(s) on the prayer roll of the temple where you live or in the prayer group at your church. We have already felt strengthened by our Heavenly Father and know He is mindful of us at this most difficult time. We so love all of you!