Nu hairdo...baldness

On my mission to France, new missionaries would often incorrectly introduce themselves as being "new" by saying "Je suis nu". It was funny because the word 'nu' in French means 'naked'. Trainers would often silently chuckle at the newbie mistake (I know I did) before correcting them of course ;)

That describes how I feel these days...

"I am naked"

...without my hair. 

The last day I had hair. Actually, I'm covering a bit of a bald spot with this scarf.

Last week was a tough week for me. 
I lost all my hair. 
It just kept coming out.  
I would lose about half of the hair I had the previous day. 
Each morning it looked like I lost a small animal from my head. 
It took less than a week.

I have to admit, the hair loss part of cancer has affected me much more than I thought it would. It's a vain thing, I know, but it's the first visible sign that the cancer is real. Even so, I do feel annoyed with myself that I am bothered by my baldness. I guess it's understandable since having hair is something I've always had and to not have it feels so wrong. Men can pull it off well but for women, it's just shocking. I feel so exposed.

The last day I woke up with hair, it was too matted to even brush out so I cut it. I went that day to the wig lady who finished buzzing it for me. When she was done I said "I look like one of my brothers!" I was surprised at how much I especially resembled my brother Jason (the one on the right).

My 3 brothers. 

I haven't let anyone see my bald head except for the wig lady and Amelia (and I don't think she knows what she's looking at). And, I won't be posting any pictures of myself bald any time soon. Looking at my brothers in their short boy haircuts is the closest you'll get to what I look like with no hair ;)

In what he calls a gesture of love, Ammon shaved his head too. He is totally bald...by choice! I told him he didn't have to do it to which he responded that he knew he didn't have to but that he wanted to. He said "love makes you do crazy things!" I agree. I think it's sweet.

Baldie but goodie

I have been wearing mostly hats lately to cover my shorn head. It's been chilly enough for knit caps so that's been convenient. I've worn my lovely wig out a few times too. I always feel self conscious when I wear it because I feel like everyone is staring at me knowing it's fake. Maybe they do. I guess I just need to get over that because this will be my life for awhile.


Health-wise, I've felt really pretty good. Much better than expected and I attribute that to the power of prayer on behalf of so many kind family and friends (thank you everyone). 

My white blood cell count was down last week so I had to delay chemo by one day to see if my blood count had come up, which it had, so I received it last week as planned. But, to increase the production of white blood cells from my bone marrow going forward, I have to take a daily shot. This is evaluated each week through my bloodwork to see if it is needed. For this week, my numbers were good enough to get chemo and my doctor wants me to continue with the shots hoping I can have next week off from the shots (an early Christmas gift?).


Although, I hate needles the shots aren't that bad. I do them myself right into my stomach. I'm somewhat used to self-administered shots since I gave myself daily shots for about 3 months for my last pregnancy. Still, every time I do it, I have to work myself up to it. I know it's all mental but I totally get this anxiety about it. I guess that eventually will become routine and cease to bother me, as so many other weird cancer things will as well (like being bald...I don't know about that one). 

It's amazing how much I used to take for granted (like having hair, health, feeling good all the time, no pain from multiple surgeries, food aversions, etc...). 

All and all, though, I really can't complain. 

I really am blessed. 

I really do believe: 

1) God let me find this cancer when I did because He intended to save my life,

2) He didn't make it impossible to cure (i.e. I was able to have surgery to remove the problem), 

3) There have been advancements in chemotherapy to an almost "proven" science of what works (including what medications to give to reduce side effects like nausea (but nothing for hair loss yet unfortunately)) to help  kill the rest of the cancer. 

I concur with what an LDS pathologist friend of mine told me that God is the Master Physician. He is the source of all knowledge, including medicine, and has allowed man to "discover" it in order to preserve life. Look at the advances in medicine in the last 50 or 100 years-- it can only be called divine. I owe so much to God, to doctors that have dedicated their lives to finding cures and making advances in medicine and to former cancer patients that tried these drugs that are now the standard treatments from which I benefit. 

4) I'm going to beat this. I have so many things on my side including having been healthy to this point, I'm young, I take care of myself, I am positive, I have faith in God, I have an excellent support system, I have excellent doctors and medicine and I have the will to live! All of these will bring me a favorable outcome I am sure.

New do

So, I did it. I cut off my hair (12 inches) and donated it to Lock of Love.

It was a good in between step to prepare for losing my hair which can be any day now.

I don't think I've ever had my hair this short before. It's fun for a change!

Second chemo treatment was yesterday. Again, I've been feeling pretty good. I have occasional yucky moments which thankfully pass quickly. I've had a fairly consistent headache much of the time centralized on my scalp. I wonder if that's a sign of my impending hair loss. I've been told the feeling is more like a too tight ponytail or a tingling sensation. I guess everyone is different. Time will only tell! I just hope it's after Thanksgiving because we'll be getting together with family and I don't want to have to worry about it then. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

First day of chemo

Well, I'll be honest, it was hard to get up this morning. But once I did, I took a shower and then I did have a little pity party for myself as I remembered this song from My Turn On Earth called I'm Not Ready.  It's actually quite sad talking about asking God not to let her be taken yet and if there's a way to make it possible for her to stay because she still has so much yet to do in this life. That's just what I feel like and that's why I'm doing chemo. I have way too much to live for right now to go so what alternative do I have but to fight this with all I have!!-- And I'm going to win! 

After pulling myself together, I decided to dress a little nice (I even wore heels). I felt like being a little ridiculous to throw off the almost ludicrous reality that I have cancer!!  Anyway, I wanted to feel good about myself for this tough day. 

We met with the doctor first who said my blood work looked great. She did make a change to how often my treatments will be administered, barring that I can keep up the pace, I should be done with 6 rounds of chemo in 4 months. This entails no breaks. They will be watching my white blood counts in the blood tests and if they dip, they will give me shot supplements during the week. If they get really low, then I may need a week or two off to bring them back up. Should I get sick or have other complications, I'll need time off too. We all have had flu shots in my house and will be really careful about hand washing and such.
I've really been praying that my side effects will be minimal or next to nothing. So far my prayers have been answered to not have side effects! I'm not feeling sick or anything from the treatment today- whew whoo!  That first day I've heard is the worst so to not have anything is truly an answer to prayer. I'll have to admit that I did break down there before they administered any drugs as the reality of what was about to start hit me. I was given some anxiety medicine to help me relax. Then I was given the Taxol (the one with the greatest side effects) first and then the Carbo. I was also given nausea medicine which is good for 3 days (that's how long the chemo stays in your body). It's good that I haven't had any additional nausea that has slowed me down. They said morning sickness in pregnancy is a good indication of whether you get nauseous or not. Luckily for me, I have been able to eat normally and feel really quite great. I was given a steroid they told me would likely keep me up tonight (hence I feel energetic enough to get this blog posting done now!). The biggest side effect they are concerned about is peripheral neuropathy (numbness in the hands and feet). If I get this, then my doses may be reduced to minimize this effect. Time will only tell on that one. 

Tomorrow is hair cut day (if I still feel well). I am going to donate my long hair to locks of love.  I did check into having a wig made from my own hair. I was discouraged to hear that I don't have nearly enough hair (I have at least 12 inches- that seems like a lot of hair to me) so that it would need to be matched with other hair. It takes about 2-3 months to get it done (I would be nearly done with my treatment by then) and it would be almost cost prohibitive as well at about $2,000!  Then the hair is just like your own hair where you have to curl it and all (my natural curl would be stripped out in the process of making the wig so it would just be straight anyway). Oh well, it was good to check into! -- I'll be looking for a decent synthetic wig (you don't have to do anything to these- just "shake and wear") to have for church and then some other free ones for wearing around the house or under hats. Being that we're into cooler weather now, I can wear wigs, hats and scarves and not get overheated. That's one positive- it's a great time of year to be bald! 
One of my many blessings- count your blessings, name them one by one- sometimes that's all I can do. Just smile and be positive. Otherwise cry and be miserable and that's not where I want to be. 

I'm so grateful for positive friends. For the cute "count your blessings turkey" someone anonymously left on my porch (I have a pretty good guess). For good friends who watched my kids today so Ammon and my mom could go to the treatment and for those that watched my kids on my surgery days. And for people bringing in meals even when I refused them and for others dropping by goodies and flowers and cards and phone calls and comments on my blog and emails and hugs and more offers of help and the countless prayers. I could count so many other good deeds so many have done on my behalf- all of which truly touch my heart and overfill my eyes. Thank you for helping me through this hard time in my life. I feel so loved. I truly stand all amazed.

T minus 15 hours until launch

Today it has been raining very unseasonably. I love it. It actually kinda matches my mood. It almost feels like God is crying along with me.  But, I feel like I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. I have my porta-cath in (very uncomfortable device) and have all my drugs lined up to deal with the side effects. Mentally, I'm feeling pretty confident.

Still, I feel like my life will be launched into a whole new world in a matter of a few hours. Tomorrow morning I start chemotherapy to rid my body of the remaining microscopic cancer cells. 

I like to think of chemotherapy as the process of reshaping the inside of my body just as exercise is the method of reshaping my body on the outside. Every time you workout, you are breaking down the muscles (essentially wiping them out) so they can be built back up. You have to rest yourself between exercise sessions and eat protein and other nourishing foods to fill in what was knocked out. I feel the chemo will be the same way. The drugs will completely wipe out the cells in my body, including the healthy ones, so that the bad ones can be forced out as well. My immune system will be knocked out for awhile just long enough to rid myself of the harmful cancer and then new fresh cells will be allowed to take their place. I will receive chemo once a week for 3 weeks and then have a week break between the sessions before starting the next round. During that week off, another drug will be given to me to encourage white blood cell production from my bones.

This past week, as the days have gotten closer to my start of chemo, I have often thought of Joseph Smith's words (I am in no way comparing myself to his trials or great calling but, I feel I can relate in some small way) when he went to Carthage Jail where he was subsequently martyred "I am going like a lamb to the slaughter; but I am as calm as a summer's morning."  I don't know what lies ahead- whether I will recover fully or not- but I feel confident it is all in Gods' hands and according to His wisdom whatever does happen.

I know He is in charge. 

I credit much of my buoyed spirits to my great support team- 
  My Heavenly Father

and

all of you.

I have felt so strengthened by so many of you in word, email, hug or through an uplifting prayer. I have joked with my son Connor that when I start losing my hair, he'll have to shave his head too. He is not very optimistic about that shouting "noooooo!" every time I bring it up. Oh well. Ammon plans to do so though. That sounds like a fun way to empathize with me- we'll see. Maybe we'll even have some t-shirts made...

Go team cueball Larsen!!

Final pathology report

Well, a few things have changed since my last post. My mom and I went to my post-surgery appointment on Tuesday to hear the final pathology report and treatment going forward. My doctor is very good but she doesn't sugar-coat anything, she just got right into it with the words "it's not as good as we hoped". So, mom and I wiped the smiles off our faces and braced ourselves. The doc told us that the hysterectomy was absolutely the right choice (thank you Heavenly Father for that comfort I felt despite the hard decision). She said the cancer wasn't just on the one ovary, making me a Stage 1 as we originally thought, it was on the second ovary, making me Stage 2 and on the omentum (fatty apron that covers the colon) making me Stage 3. Additionally the cancer was on my abdominal wall (part was removed) and in the abdominal washing meaning I still have microscopic cells in my body. Within the stages, a letter grade of A-C is assigned. The fact that the cancer was on the omentum would have made me a 3A but, for me, they found a nodule less than 2cm making me Stage 3B. (Stage 3C is the most common stage ovarian cancer is caught where the nodule is larger than 2 cm.)

I will start chemo in about a week and will have 6 rounds of 3 weeks each with 1 week off between rounds. The only way to remove the remaining microscopic cells is through chemotherapy- a regimen of weekly carbo platinin and taxol drugs given intravenously. I will be having a porta-cath installed near my clavical to administer the medicine and to take the weekly blood samples. One blood test I will have periodically is the CA-125 tumor marker that will tell us if the chemo is working.

After the appointment, the doctor led us down the hall to where rows of women were sitting in easy chairs with IV poles next to them. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. Then I registered shock and I said to my mom "what is this place?...it looks like a hall of death!" The women all looked so sickly and old with no hair and pale or yellow skin. I did not know that this was how the chemotherapy was administered. I did ask the nurse why it was given out in the open like that and she it was for support reasons. She said they do have some private rooms that I can use but they have found that the patients like it better when they can all be out there together helping each other through it. I, by far, will be the youngest one there. Most women are in their 60s or older. In fact one of the women said I looked 16 (I guess compared to all of them I would). The rest of the visit with the chemo nurse was very emotional as the reality of this very horrible disease was hitting me. I think I was numb as pages and books and tote bags of information were given to me. I have a lot to process and about a week until that place will be my life.  


I spoke to a friend who said I really need to live it up and do and eat what I like before I start so, mom and I picked up this beauty:

Ammon said "oh, I see you got something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate!" (a line from Shrek). Yes, indeed I did. And it was yummy ;)


So, how am I feeling? Well, initially I was feeling very anxious and freaked out when I heard the final results but with a few days now to reflect and pray, I have been feeling calm. Throughout this, I have had a peace that everything will be okay and I need to keep reminding myself to hold onto that. I'm not sure what that feeling means as far as outcome but I'm naturally hopeful that it means I will be completely cured. I am reminded of a favorite talk by Sheri L. Dew called This is a Test, it is only a Test that reminds me that my trial of cancer is just that, a test. It is a very important one that Heavenly Father has given me to see how I will act and react under this trying circumstance. Heavenly Father, in His foresight and goodness, specially fitted this challenge to me to make me grow because He trusts me (sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much!). Through it, He expects me to reach out to Him, and to use the Atonement of His Son, to become what I am to become. I pray continually that I can succeed at this most difficult of exams. And of course I pray that my body will fight the cancer and that the chemo will allow me to be completely void of disease so that I can live a long, full life. I intend to beat this and to pass this test as He would expect me to!

Post surgery

I was discharged from the hospital last night and I am feeling alright. 

The cancerous tumor was originally found when I went to see my infertility doctor to see about using our frozen embryos for another pregnancy. At that time, he told me we needed to remove what he thought would be a benign cyst on my left ovary before trying to get pregnant. In the meantime before having that surgery, I had severe and persistent abdominal pain that sent me to the ER where they ran scans showing cancer. Still my infertility doctor was sure it wasn't cancer because of my age and that he had seen tumors like that before that weren't cancerous. You can imagine his and my shock and horror that the 14cm tumor that was removed was in fact cancerous. 

Because of the grade of the tumor he took out (grade 3- the highest grade meaning cancer throughout), it was determined my survival rate would be greatest if I had a hysterectomy. As sad and as hard of a decision as that was to make with the obvious agony of not being able to bear anymore children, I knew I couldn't take the greater risk of fertility-saving surgery that would reduce my survival rate dramatically. Already with Stage 1 (that is still my stage, thankfully) my survival rate is 85-95% but would have dropped to as low as 50% without the hysterectomy should the cancer not have all been removed the first time. If we risked that the chemo would take care of the rest but it really did come back, it would be terminal. I couldn't, with the family I am blessed to already have, take that risk. 

 

I must say that I feel Heavenly Father lined this situation up much before now. He allowed Ammon and I to have "unexplained" infertility so that we could produce many frozen embryos that perhaps can be used later. He gave me the pain that sent me to the ER to determine what was wrong. In dissecting the tumor, pathology found that it rated high for estrogen and progesterone receptors which means cells that might otherwise remain dormant might become active if they are hormonally stimulated such as in pregnancy. So even if we saved my uterus and I was cured, when I went to get pregnant again, the cancer could be back and when it comes back, it is non-curable.  

As hard as it was to even think about the option of hysterectomy, once I did, all these thoughts came flooding into my mind that essentially said "this is why you had infertility, you cannot get pregnant again, and this is the right choice to have the hysterectomy". I feel like Heavenly Father told me "there is no way you can carry any more children so this is the only decision you can make to be cured of this cancer". I have felt very comforted knowing God had the forethought, as He does in all things, to prepare a way for me to do what was necessary to save my life. And, once I am cured (which the hope is very great for that and the odds are in my favor), then we can hopefully yet realize the family we desire.

I have no doubt that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there helping us through our trials. I have been through too many experiences to doubt their existence and their very careful involvement in my life. I know They live, love each of us and watch over us!

My health

We received some difficult news this past week. Following a surgery the previous week to remove a tumor, it was determined that I have ovarian cancer. I had a couple of scans to determine if the cancer had spread and those thankfully came back negative. My stage of cancer, as shown from the scans, is stage I but that can change when I go into surgery today if microscopic cancer cells are found elsewhere. Any affected areas will be removed and then once I recover from surgery, I will need to undergo about 6 months of chemotherapy. As you can imagine, this is all very sudden and shocking. Our lives are turned upside right now yet we feel calm and confident. We are grateful for the urgency and skill of the doctors in treating me and find assurance in a blessing I received prior to my emergency room visit that showed the cancer.



We felt the need to inform so many friends and family so that we can have the support we need during this most trying of trials. Your prayers on behalf of my health and recovery are very much appreciated. Also, you may consider putting my/our name(s) on the prayer roll of the temple where you live or in the prayer group at your church. We have already felt strengthened by our Heavenly Father and know He is mindful of us at this most difficult time. We so love all of you!

10th Anniversary trip- Rainbow Falls hike

 We took a fun hike near the mouth of Ogden Canyon called Rainbow Falls. I love hikes that are rewarding, like having a waterfall at the top so I was excited to go. It was quite steep but fun to do together.

This is at a crossover bridge where I was able to be right over the water flowing down the mountain.

 

I stopped to smell the wild roses that were growing along the path.

 

Finally to the top at the falls!

This was about as close as we could get without getting soaked- the falls were that powerful.

They were very high- like 200 feet tall.

I was getting pretty wet in this spot and the falls were so loud at this location we had to yell to each other to be heard.

Looking down to the valley from the falls.  I'm facing the falls and squinting because of the spray.

This butterfly was flying around us on the way down and finally landed in a spot we could take a lovely picture of it.

On our way down, a friendly rattler crossed our path coming out of hibernation. 

We kept our distance. All he seemed to want to do was get away from us and scurry up this hill. I had never seen a rattler alive in the wild before, even living in Arizona, so I was a little freaked out.

10th Anniversary trip- Sunday exploring

Ammon and I celebrated our 10th Anniversary this June. Can't believe it's been that long!! We decided to go up to the mountains in Utah for a week-long getaway. Here we are amongst the wildflowers.

Such a beautiful setting to enjoy!

We loved the mountains.

Walking down to the lake.

Pondering on the finer things of life Ammon?

Near the lake that had overrun its bounds due to large amounts of rain and snow melt. It was still beautiful and fun to play in.

We found this huge abandoned fireplace across from our hotel. It intrigued us so we took a few pics.

It's pretty massive.

Connor the super hero!

Daddy's little girl

Little Miss Cutie Pie

 

Amelia walking...almost!

Little miss cutie pie using our old wagon as a walker.

I love her adorable flushed cheeks- pushing this wagon is hard work!

Baseball

America's favorite pass time...but was it Connor's?

When Connor chose baseball as his first sport ever to try, I was a little worried. I mean, it's an awfully slow game. There's a lot of waiting so I wasn't sure how well he'd do.  

~Judging from most of the pictures, you'd think he was always on task...

Ready for his pitch.

Getting a hit at practice.

Tagging his base.

But look here- I caught him! He's striking a flamingo pose, turned sideways without his hat on.  This kind of thing was definitely the norm-- moments of complete spacing out, sitting rather than standing, putting his mitt on his head, drawing in the dirt, distracting the other boys and so on (but who takes pictures of that)? He did pay attention a lot too because he went from not knowing anything about baseball when he started to knowing how to play the game! So, all in all, I think he learned what he needed to learn and had a great season.

Amelia, hamming it up in the dugout.

In the practice ring before his turn at bat.

Ready for his pitch.

Swing, and a hit!

Rounding the bases.

 

Waiting on third to head for home.

Playing third base.

End of game cheer.

Victory tunnel!

Here comes Mr. Happy, against the flow of traffic, hot and tired after a double-header (a bit much for the little guy- he was worn out).

Victory- Connor had a great season! Good job Connor!

Enjoying his after-game snack. Yum.

The team receiving their trophies at the end-of-season pizza party.

Baseball trophy- Connor checked that his name was spelled correctly, phew, it was!

Goofy smile...

"Dragons" team picture. They look sharp in their cute orange and white uniforms- coincidentally, Connor's favorite colors right. "Dragons" was a popular team name by others in the league so because of our orange, we were often identified as the "fire-breathing dragons"- pretty cool.

Poor kid- he looks like he's going to hit someone! Unfortunately, the little guy was sick the day of pictures but I told him he had to go for his team so he toughed it out- brave kiddo.