New do

So, I did it. I cut off my hair (12 inches) and donated it to Lock of Love.

It was a good in between step to prepare for losing my hair which can be any day now.

I don't think I've ever had my hair this short before. It's fun for a change!

Second chemo treatment was yesterday. Again, I've been feeling pretty good. I have occasional yucky moments which thankfully pass quickly. I've had a fairly consistent headache much of the time centralized on my scalp. I wonder if that's a sign of my impending hair loss. I've been told the feeling is more like a too tight ponytail or a tingling sensation. I guess everyone is different. Time will only tell! I just hope it's after Thanksgiving because we'll be getting together with family and I don't want to have to worry about it then. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

First day of chemo

Well, I'll be honest, it was hard to get up this morning. But once I did, I took a shower and then I did have a little pity party for myself as I remembered this song from My Turn On Earth called I'm Not Ready.  It's actually quite sad talking about asking God not to let her be taken yet and if there's a way to make it possible for her to stay because she still has so much yet to do in this life. That's just what I feel like and that's why I'm doing chemo. I have way too much to live for right now to go so what alternative do I have but to fight this with all I have!!-- And I'm going to win! 

After pulling myself together, I decided to dress a little nice (I even wore heels). I felt like being a little ridiculous to throw off the almost ludicrous reality that I have cancer!!  Anyway, I wanted to feel good about myself for this tough day. 

We met with the doctor first who said my blood work looked great. She did make a change to how often my treatments will be administered, barring that I can keep up the pace, I should be done with 6 rounds of chemo in 4 months. This entails no breaks. They will be watching my white blood counts in the blood tests and if they dip, they will give me shot supplements during the week. If they get really low, then I may need a week or two off to bring them back up. Should I get sick or have other complications, I'll need time off too. We all have had flu shots in my house and will be really careful about hand washing and such.
I've really been praying that my side effects will be minimal or next to nothing. So far my prayers have been answered to not have side effects! I'm not feeling sick or anything from the treatment today- whew whoo!  That first day I've heard is the worst so to not have anything is truly an answer to prayer. I'll have to admit that I did break down there before they administered any drugs as the reality of what was about to start hit me. I was given some anxiety medicine to help me relax. Then I was given the Taxol (the one with the greatest side effects) first and then the Carbo. I was also given nausea medicine which is good for 3 days (that's how long the chemo stays in your body). It's good that I haven't had any additional nausea that has slowed me down. They said morning sickness in pregnancy is a good indication of whether you get nauseous or not. Luckily for me, I have been able to eat normally and feel really quite great. I was given a steroid they told me would likely keep me up tonight (hence I feel energetic enough to get this blog posting done now!). The biggest side effect they are concerned about is peripheral neuropathy (numbness in the hands and feet). If I get this, then my doses may be reduced to minimize this effect. Time will only tell on that one. 

Tomorrow is hair cut day (if I still feel well). I am going to donate my long hair to locks of love.  I did check into having a wig made from my own hair. I was discouraged to hear that I don't have nearly enough hair (I have at least 12 inches- that seems like a lot of hair to me) so that it would need to be matched with other hair. It takes about 2-3 months to get it done (I would be nearly done with my treatment by then) and it would be almost cost prohibitive as well at about $2,000!  Then the hair is just like your own hair where you have to curl it and all (my natural curl would be stripped out in the process of making the wig so it would just be straight anyway). Oh well, it was good to check into! -- I'll be looking for a decent synthetic wig (you don't have to do anything to these- just "shake and wear") to have for church and then some other free ones for wearing around the house or under hats. Being that we're into cooler weather now, I can wear wigs, hats and scarves and not get overheated. That's one positive- it's a great time of year to be bald! 
One of my many blessings- count your blessings, name them one by one- sometimes that's all I can do. Just smile and be positive. Otherwise cry and be miserable and that's not where I want to be. 

I'm so grateful for positive friends. For the cute "count your blessings turkey" someone anonymously left on my porch (I have a pretty good guess). For good friends who watched my kids today so Ammon and my mom could go to the treatment and for those that watched my kids on my surgery days. And for people bringing in meals even when I refused them and for others dropping by goodies and flowers and cards and phone calls and comments on my blog and emails and hugs and more offers of help and the countless prayers. I could count so many other good deeds so many have done on my behalf- all of which truly touch my heart and overfill my eyes. Thank you for helping me through this hard time in my life. I feel so loved. I truly stand all amazed.

T minus 15 hours until launch

Today it has been raining very unseasonably. I love it. It actually kinda matches my mood. It almost feels like God is crying along with me.  But, I feel like I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. I have my porta-cath in (very uncomfortable device) and have all my drugs lined up to deal with the side effects. Mentally, I'm feeling pretty confident.

Still, I feel like my life will be launched into a whole new world in a matter of a few hours. Tomorrow morning I start chemotherapy to rid my body of the remaining microscopic cancer cells. 

I like to think of chemotherapy as the process of reshaping the inside of my body just as exercise is the method of reshaping my body on the outside. Every time you workout, you are breaking down the muscles (essentially wiping them out) so they can be built back up. You have to rest yourself between exercise sessions and eat protein and other nourishing foods to fill in what was knocked out. I feel the chemo will be the same way. The drugs will completely wipe out the cells in my body, including the healthy ones, so that the bad ones can be forced out as well. My immune system will be knocked out for awhile just long enough to rid myself of the harmful cancer and then new fresh cells will be allowed to take their place. I will receive chemo once a week for 3 weeks and then have a week break between the sessions before starting the next round. During that week off, another drug will be given to me to encourage white blood cell production from my bones.

This past week, as the days have gotten closer to my start of chemo, I have often thought of Joseph Smith's words (I am in no way comparing myself to his trials or great calling but, I feel I can relate in some small way) when he went to Carthage Jail where he was subsequently martyred "I am going like a lamb to the slaughter; but I am as calm as a summer's morning."  I don't know what lies ahead- whether I will recover fully or not- but I feel confident it is all in Gods' hands and according to His wisdom whatever does happen.

I know He is in charge. 

I credit much of my buoyed spirits to my great support team- 
  My Heavenly Father

and

all of you.

I have felt so strengthened by so many of you in word, email, hug or through an uplifting prayer. I have joked with my son Connor that when I start losing my hair, he'll have to shave his head too. He is not very optimistic about that shouting "noooooo!" every time I bring it up. Oh well. Ammon plans to do so though. That sounds like a fun way to empathize with me- we'll see. Maybe we'll even have some t-shirts made...

Go team cueball Larsen!!

Final pathology report

Well, a few things have changed since my last post. My mom and I went to my post-surgery appointment on Tuesday to hear the final pathology report and treatment going forward. My doctor is very good but she doesn't sugar-coat anything, she just got right into it with the words "it's not as good as we hoped". So, mom and I wiped the smiles off our faces and braced ourselves. The doc told us that the hysterectomy was absolutely the right choice (thank you Heavenly Father for that comfort I felt despite the hard decision). She said the cancer wasn't just on the one ovary, making me a Stage 1 as we originally thought, it was on the second ovary, making me Stage 2 and on the omentum (fatty apron that covers the colon) making me Stage 3. Additionally the cancer was on my abdominal wall (part was removed) and in the abdominal washing meaning I still have microscopic cells in my body. Within the stages, a letter grade of A-C is assigned. The fact that the cancer was on the omentum would have made me a 3A but, for me, they found a nodule less than 2cm making me Stage 3B. (Stage 3C is the most common stage ovarian cancer is caught where the nodule is larger than 2 cm.)

I will start chemo in about a week and will have 6 rounds of 3 weeks each with 1 week off between rounds. The only way to remove the remaining microscopic cells is through chemotherapy- a regimen of weekly carbo platinin and taxol drugs given intravenously. I will be having a porta-cath installed near my clavical to administer the medicine and to take the weekly blood samples. One blood test I will have periodically is the CA-125 tumor marker that will tell us if the chemo is working.

After the appointment, the doctor led us down the hall to where rows of women were sitting in easy chairs with IV poles next to them. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. Then I registered shock and I said to my mom "what is this place?...it looks like a hall of death!" The women all looked so sickly and old with no hair and pale or yellow skin. I did not know that this was how the chemotherapy was administered. I did ask the nurse why it was given out in the open like that and she it was for support reasons. She said they do have some private rooms that I can use but they have found that the patients like it better when they can all be out there together helping each other through it. I, by far, will be the youngest one there. Most women are in their 60s or older. In fact one of the women said I looked 16 (I guess compared to all of them I would). The rest of the visit with the chemo nurse was very emotional as the reality of this very horrible disease was hitting me. I think I was numb as pages and books and tote bags of information were given to me. I have a lot to process and about a week until that place will be my life.  


I spoke to a friend who said I really need to live it up and do and eat what I like before I start so, mom and I picked up this beauty:

Ammon said "oh, I see you got something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate!" (a line from Shrek). Yes, indeed I did. And it was yummy ;)


So, how am I feeling? Well, initially I was feeling very anxious and freaked out when I heard the final results but with a few days now to reflect and pray, I have been feeling calm. Throughout this, I have had a peace that everything will be okay and I need to keep reminding myself to hold onto that. I'm not sure what that feeling means as far as outcome but I'm naturally hopeful that it means I will be completely cured. I am reminded of a favorite talk by Sheri L. Dew called This is a Test, it is only a Test that reminds me that my trial of cancer is just that, a test. It is a very important one that Heavenly Father has given me to see how I will act and react under this trying circumstance. Heavenly Father, in His foresight and goodness, specially fitted this challenge to me to make me grow because He trusts me (sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much!). Through it, He expects me to reach out to Him, and to use the Atonement of His Son, to become what I am to become. I pray continually that I can succeed at this most difficult of exams. And of course I pray that my body will fight the cancer and that the chemo will allow me to be completely void of disease so that I can live a long, full life. I intend to beat this and to pass this test as He would expect me to!