We'll miss you grandma Spears

My grandmother Rosemary Spears passed away last Sunday, January 23rd, after many years of pain and inoperable problems. She was 74. She has been the only grandma I've had for the last 20-some years (my mom's parents having both passed away in the '80s).

I'm really grateful my family and I have lived here in Arizona these last nearly 4 years. That has been wonderful because I have been able to visit my grandma and grandpa much more often than I had in years. Because they were less than 2 hours away, I would visit regularly up in Mesa, the last time being in December when grandma was in hospice. Once I heard she was there, I hurried up there. I was told she was slipping fast and often people don't last very long once there so I didn't want to miss a good final visit. Thankfully, during our visit, I found her lucid and great to converse with remembering both old times and things that had happened that morning and the day before. I was grateful to find the same grandma I had remembered.

My conversations with her over the most recent years have concerned her life, her upbringing, family history, her perspective and opinions on events that I had never heard before. Some of the best stuff I remember include--
~her experiences as a military wife- I asked her advice on how to make it seeing as that will likely be my future. She said to make lots of friends because they can relate to what you're going through, support you and will become lifelong friends.;
~mother of 3- she had many stories to tell of each child, especially and repeatedly one of my dad, the eldest. As an infant, he was unwilling to let his mother put him down during dinner prep so she had to make dinner while carrying him around on many occasions, which was very difficult (I can relate- Amelia can be this way sometimes); also how she or grandpa had to bounce my dad to sleep as a baby and continue bouncing him to keep him asleep.;
~hairdresser- she worked off and on over the years at various shops even having her own shop at one time but finally hanging it up once her arthritis got so bad. I asked her advice in cutting my boys' hair (a motherly duty I do not enjoy) and she simply said it takes practice- darn, I was hoping for some secret formula :) ;
~travel- she and grandpa always liked to take trips. Even with a young family, they were always going camping and seeing the sites of wherever they were stationed. Some of their favorite trips while being stationed in England and Germany were to Austria, Switzerland, Eastern Germany and Italy. As retirees, they had motor homes they drove all over the US and Mexico too.


My grandma had never been a shy person, on the contrary, always very talkative. She could carry a conversation all by herself, and often did in her marriage. By nature, my grandpa is very quiet. With her passing, and even as she was nearing the end, I think I've heard him speak more than ever having to explain her condition, her doctor's appointments and speaking of his military experiences (which Ammon and I asked him about because he served in both the Army, being a Korean War veteran, and in the Air Force). I admire the great example my grandparents have been, having just celebrated 58 years of marriage in December. On several occasions I told them I appreciated their good, strong marriage and example of love and support they showed for each other. They are good people and I will greatly miss my grandma.

[Ammon's grandparents have been like my own grandparents too (much because they too are members of the Church- that brings so much common ground, interests, understanding and goals). Both of Ammon's grandparents have lost one spouse in the last 3 years. Ammon's grandpa Larsen 3 years ago (see blog post "Ammon's gradpa was a good man") and Ammon's grandma Maughan dying 2 years ago February 13th. It's easy to remember her passing now since it was just 3 days and 1 year before Amelia and Abigail's birth (and Abigail's death), February 16th. It's hard to see these strong folks go. I appreciate their lasting examples and love for me and my family. Surprisingly, I still have a great-grandmother alive! She is 96 and lives in Oklahoma.]


I admire that my grandma was always smiling and very positive despite the constant pain she was in. I can't imagine living every moment with the level of pain she did. The poor woman must have always hurt but she never let it show. If you asked her how she felt, she'd either avoid talking about it or would admit it hurt but nonchalantly say how there really wasn't anything that could be done about it so she would live with it the best she could. She was a good example of "come what may and love it" (Elder Wirthlin). We will miss you grandma!!!

Some pictures from our last visit in their home on Veteran's Day (November 11, 2010):

Remembering Abigail

It will soon be 1 year since our dear one came and went so quickly. I think of her everyday and am shocked and surprised at how slowly and at the same time how quickly the time has passed. I miss her so much. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do to commemorate her. A few of my family will likely be around because it coincides with my grandmother's passing (just last Sunday) and there'll be a memorial for her. I'm hoping we can also visit Abby's grave while my parents are here. Her gravestone will hopefully be in by then and we can maybe do a balloon release or something. I've heard of various ideas from other moms who have lost little ones. They inspire me with how they keep on living despite the loss of life and hopes and dreams and potential and future that they imagined with that child while they were pregnant with them.

Besides not blogging myself, I have been sooo behind in even reading blogs of other friends. So, I was reviewing a dear friends' blog today and came across a post she had made about us losing our daughter. Because she's a private blogger, I don't think the link would work so here's the post:

Old Friends

A few years ago our friends moved away.  They lived behind us, and, for me at least, their close proximity brought a certain level of comfort.  I miss them.  I drove by their old place a few weeks ago and noticed one red tulip growing in their front yard.  I thought I should take a picture of it and email it to them, because it looked so beautiful.  Our friends suffered a great loss recently, and they are often on my mind.  This tulip looked a little lonely, and yet it was beautiful, and I loved it.  A week passed and I still had not taken the picture.  Finally I noticed the tulip was ready to go the way-of-all-tulips and so I stopped at the side of the road to take this picture before the flower disappeared completely.  I still like the picture, even though it is not what I had seen at first.

I have a young women who sometimes doesn't realize or understand her worth.  She doesn't get how she impacts the lives of others.  I tried to explain to her one day what I would feel like if she were gone.  She's left permanent impressions on my heart.  Our friends have been gone for years now, and yet I still drive by their home and remember Melanie working hard to plant shrubs and flowers in their front gardens.  I can still see Connor-Boy riding his bike on the sidewalk.  And sometimes, when we're in our back yard, I remember hearing their voices in theirs.  They are gone from our every day lives, but they have left traces of themselves.  I love how we do that for each other!  One of the greatest blessings in our lives has been that of great friends. 

2 comments:

Amy said...

what a lovely post elaine. and i feel the same way about you moving from florida.

May 30, 2010 9:33 PM

momentsthattakeyourbreathaway said...

Elaine, thank you for this touching tribute. What a beautiful tulip- ironically I never planted this. You know that saying about reaping where you have not sewn?- seems to apply. That's neat how it was there and began to fade. We have adopted a similar thing that reminds us of the loss of our Abigail- rainbows. We saw a beautiful rainbow over the temple the day of her funeral. Now, every time we see rainbows, we remember her. My mom has called me a few times to tell me about the rainbows she's seen and the special feelings that brings up. Thank you for thinking of us and helping us remember our girl.-- We miss you guys so much and wish we were there again listening to you guys playing in your yard too. :)

June 18, 2010 12:52 PM

 
http://chaoticcurry.blogspot.com/2010/05/old-friends.html#comments

Got Smart

My father-in-law testified in the Elizabeth Smart case!

How you may ask?

Well, he used to know Brian David Mitchell, in fact, they were friends...20 years ago! They worked together and found out they got along. Ammon said he even came to his house a few times! As my friend said, good thing Mitchell wasn't "insane" back then or my dear Ammon could have been "Ammon Smart"!!

Click on the link below for a clip of my f-i-l speaking to reporters following his 2-hour defense testimony, which he was subpoened to give. There's also an article about his statements. The bottom-line of his testimony was that Mitchell is: 


"insane but not incompetent"
 
He said he answered the questions as honestly as he could. Even after his testimony, he was to continue to attend the trial each day until it was over. So glad the verdict came down today and that Brian David (not my brother, who ironically bears the same name) was found guilty. Smart, very smart.

Silly Smiles and Lovable Laughs

Connor in a very sweet moment with Amelia.

Burial day

So it's just past 9 months now that my babies were born. That's longer than I was actually pregnant with them! Amelia and Abigail were born on February 16th (nearly 8 weeks early, at 32 weeks gestation). We had Abigail's funeral that Saturday (Feb 20) following her birth (see our March posts about the funeral).



Funeral day leaving the Church

 We decided to bury Abigail on a day separate from her funeral on the following Tuesday (Feb 23). We weren't sure if we would like that (dredging up those feelings a second time and prolonging the inevitable). As it turned out, we actually did like splitting it up. That left the funeral day a little less crammed and allowed us some time later that day to attend the temple. Just before entering that holy place, we were able to see a beautiful double rainbow that proclaimed a hopeful promise that as dark and rainy as our day had started out (physically and emotionally) that the end would be more peaceful than we could imagine. Fittingly, it arched over the sacred building within whose walls are available those sure promises of eternal family bonds that link us beyond the grave.

That rainbow over the temple image has become the capstone on our feelings about the passing of our Abigail. We feel our girls are our "temple babies" because we attended the temple each week I was pregnant with them (before I was on bedrest and in the hospital). It was where we received many answers to our dilemna concerning Abigail's condition. It was also where I received the answer as to where we should bury our darling infant. We know when we move away from Tucson (no announcement, just feel at some point we will since Ammon joined the Air Force) that the temple will be what will draw us back to Arizona. The Mesa temple means a lot to us for the reasons just listed as well as it was where my parents were sealed when my mom was 9 months pregnant with me. The cemetary Abigail is in is very close to the temple. 

It's a beautiful plot. We picked it out the day before the funeral. We looked at several spots but the setting was what appealed to me most. It was under some trees (I liked the idea of some shade being over my baby instead of under the unrelenting sun), it is in the beloved "infant section" in company with many other well-loved children that too left grieving parents, and when you look to the east, you see beautiful mountains and the steeple of one of our new church buildings. Just lovely. Right now there is only a simple metal gravemarker over her grave. We have just recently ordered her gravestone which bears the design of the rainbow over the temple. It has Abigail's name, birthdate and the time she lived. At the bottom, it bears the hopeful, knowing, striving phrase "we'll see you in the morning". Our friends, who also lost a child to anencephaly and is buried in the Mesa City Cemetary, have that phrase on his gravestone. Everytime I see that, I cry and feel the spirit of that desire. I asked the mother if she would be alright if we too could say that as well and she graciously agreed.

The day of the burial was warm and beautiful (in direct contrast to the funeral day which was rainy and chill). Those in attendance at the graveside were: myself, Ammon, Connor, my parents, Ammon's mom and sister, Ammon's grandmother and her sister as well as their niece, my grandparents, my Aunt and her friend (who visited me in the hospital), our friend who also lost a son to anencephaly, and Bishop and Sister Hillman. I was excited to have my grandmother there, whose ailing health did not allow her to travel to Tucson for the funeral (but my grandfather and Aunt from the Mesa area were at the funeral).

Our time at the cemetary began with Ammon and Connor carrying the casket across the grassy cemetary to the canopy set up for the burial service. I had been fairly strong (as far as not an exhorbitant amount of crying the day of the funeral) but that day, I was a mess. As soon as I saw my friend Janae, I hugged her and lost it. I guess seeing a fellow mother who had been in my shoes not many years before, walking past her son's grave, feeling the finality of the occasion caused me to weep almost uncontrollably for a few minutes. I wept probably the most I had up until that point. I kept blubbering to her that it seemed so final. I mean, this was the last time I would see my girl above the ground. Every other visit to the cemetary would be to the earth that was piled on top. Oh, how my heart ached! I hurt so deeply and wanted so very much for all of this to not be real!




Spears side of the family

My parents and I at the graveside looking over the shoulders of my grandmother and aunt



My father gave the dedication of the grave. Ammon had the chairs arranged so we all faced each other and he asked that each person say something about our feelings. It was nice that everyone did. Some said some truly insightful, beautiful and hopeful things. I kindof babbled and blubbered about my hope to see her again, beautiful and healthy, once she is resurrected. I expressed how, since the funeral, I had had some daydreams of seeing her as a little girl with blond curly hair running around. I knew it was her and I felt so hopeful...and a deep sense of longing.







Connor "gravestone hopping". Boys will be boys despite the occasion.

Connor handled all of this actually a lot better than I thought he would. I really feel for him. I mean, he's just a kid and all he knows is that his sister isn't coming back. On several occasions he showed me that he understood more than his 5-year-old age made me think was possible. Of course we've had lots of talks with him before and since but the tears he shed that day let me know that he got it in some small way. He had such great love in his heart for his little sister that he would never know in this life. Both at the funeral in our family viewing, at the funeral, and at the graveside, he wanted time to express himself.



At the viewing, he asked everyone to sit down and then proceeded to explain all the things we had on display on the table including clothing Abigail had worn, her teddy bear, her photo album, her flower arrangement, etc. Then he did something, with his little limited understanding, that surprised us- he gave her a blessing. He put his hands on her head (as he has seen his daddy and other priesthood holders do) and prayed over her.

At the funeral itself, he wasn't on the program but thought he should speak. Because it was such a large setting (much of the chapel was full) and we hadn't talked about or prepared him to say anything, not thinking he would want to, so we didn't allow him to (looking back, we could have done that better). 

At the graveside, he did take some time at the end to express how he was feeling and that he loved his sister Abigail. Then he asked me and the 2 grandmas to stand up (calling my mother-in-law Gwendolyn Spears) and I think he asked us to say something else about what we felt that day. It was neat to see him process through this whole experience.



New Hairdo

I had my hair cut and styled today. It's been waaaaay overdue to have done something with my hair. I'm not sure if I love the bangs...I still need to play with them to get used to the style. So, what do you think??

Connor's Recipe for LOVE

Connor has been wanting to make his "Recipe for Love" that he saw somewhere over the weekend (I don't even know where; I suspect he made it up...). He's been bugging me to get him some Hershey's Kisses to make it ever since. I made it to the store today, mainly to get Ammon some cough drops as he's had a sore throat. Connor was so excited to make his recipe when he saw the kisses after school. Once he told me all the ingredients, I realized it was a dessert (I actually thought it would be a mixed bag of pictures he'd draw and other things he would gather but I was wrong). Anyway, I made him wait until after dinner to make it since it included ice cream.

When it was time to make it he said "mom, do you want to make love?" I was shocked but tried not to show my surprise!! I quickly recovered realizing what he was referring to and didn't miss a beat getting started.  :)

[I wonder what Ammon would have said if he were around?... ;)]

This is the final product (the one on the right is stirred up already).

  

This is Connor's "recipe" for making LOVE:

2 cups chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (we used 1 cup each bowl)

Hershey's kisses (about a handful each)

1 tsp water (I figured this small amount of water wouldn't hurt anything)

Hershey's chocolate syrup (we made it into a heart design)

It was really yummy!!  

Wow, that was some good love-making ;)  [Is that going a little overboard?...]

It's been awhile!

Disclaimer:  I am extremely behind in my blogging (as if you couldn't tell). Besides our lives being crazy, we've been gone all summer and for every holiday and event since then. We have been on the road, flying or driving everywhere-- so frankly, I'm pooped! Consequently, something had to give and sadly, it was my blogging (ha, ha, not that I was great before...).


What a whirlwind year!  I'm just now catching up (trying to at least) so sorry for the "old" material (and that some of it will be out of order)-- but I need to document everything and I'll try to add what I was feeling at the time too to catch you all up on our happenings and eventually, I'll get through it all...before the new year starts (hopefully). What's the rush, eh, this blog is mainly for me, right?! ;)  [I'm hoping putting it in writing will keep me accountable- here's hoping!]

Father and Son Campout

I'm proud of Ammon that, despite his extra busy work and school schedule, not to mention just having had the babies and the passing of Abigail, a recent houseful of guests and the like...he decided to make time, even taking off work, so he and Connor could have some bonding time alone out in the wilderness...with a whole bunch of other dads and their boys at the annual 

Father and Son campout.

I always love sprawling out on logs first thing in the morning, don't you?

One good night's sleep = One happy camper

that's one big tree!

  

sunburned

sassy

safari guy

warning to other campers:

this trip caused...delirium...huh?!!,

boredom
(so, whatcha wanna do...I know, blow bubbles!...with my mouth!)

a spattering of fear,

and a touch of craziness!

But all in all, it's times like these that make all the trouble to get there worthwhile, ahhh.

Mother's Day

So on Mother's Day we headed up to the cemetary where we have our precious Abigail buried.

(I'll post more about the funeral and burial later- it's been enough time that I think I can write about it soon).

I was so choked up with emotion here. I hated seeing GRASS starting to grow on her grave!! That means it's been awhile since she's been gone and I hate that thought. It's painful and jerks at my heart all over again. The grave seems so final (even though I know it's not...).

Quite a juxtaposition- my living daughter next to my spiritually alive yet physically dead (http://mormon.org/faq/life-after-death/) daughter at her earthly resting place.

 

My boys resting (Amelia was asleep) while I pondered and thought. What mixed emotions I had! Here I was celebrating "Mother's day"...not with all my children...in a cemetary. I struggled with those feelings of loss all over again. But I do have to say, having had twins and still having one has helped to fill the gaping hole I had in my heart when my Abigail passed away. This first holiday was pretty hard for me.

Easter was more hopeful than I anticipated (the joy of the resurrection due to Christ's Atonement http://mormon.org/faq/atonement-of-christ/ swallowed up my pain) so that day does not hold sad memories for me. Of course I still cried but they were hope-filled tears of joy.

Silly cowboy boot in my face ;)

We're all here

Daydreaming

Our sleeping princess

Hope

Great-grandparents: After the cemetary, we visited with my grandparents in Chandler. This was their first time seeing Amelia since she was released from the hospital. My grandparents weren't able to visit Amelia in the hospital due to grandma's health. 

Amelia being held by her great-grandma Rosemary Spears.

With (Great) Aunt LaDonna (her first time seeing her too).

Amelia's photo shoot