Our angel girls are born

A Labor and Delivery Journey...our story of birth, death and the emotions in between

February 16th dawned like most others in the hospital. It was exactly 7 weeks that I had been in the hospital and was feeling a little tired. I stayed in bed and took a nap that morning rather than go to pool therapy. Over the weekend I had had several pre-delivery signs: achy leg muscles, increased contractions (which I reported twice to my nurses and they treated with ibuprofen both times), etc. I will definitely be paying attention to those signs the next time around because, at the time, I didn't know my body was telling me it was time to have those babies. They willl be key in the future because once I was in labor, no one could even tell!

When I went for routine testing (NST- Non Stress Test and AFI- Amniotic Fluid Index) that afternoon, I started to feel the beginnings of those labor pains- but I didn't even realize I was in labor! It was around 1pm and I was laying on the bed for the NST. I remember just becoming more and more uncomfortable. I tried not to change positions too much at first because that would make the monitor move and prolong the test but at the end, I couldn't help it, I kept shifting around. What I really wanted to do was stand up. So when the nurse came in saying we were done testing, I couldn't wait. As she looked at the printout, she said it looked good. I looked too and saw that the last few contractions I had been having had not registered. I saw the hard one I was then having not even show up. I said to the nurse that my contraction wasn't showing up. She said "you really want credit for those, don't you?" I said that I wanted them to show up if I was having them. She commented that because Abigail had so much extra fluid, they probably weren't showing up. Just great! I had been prolonging draining her extra fluid to prevent pre-term labor and now, even when I was in heavy labor, it couldn't even be tracked! At the time, it didn't occur to me that I was in active labor, I just was feeling contractions- a fairly normal occurence for me.

Then it was time to change rooms for my AFI. Instead of sitting in my wheelchair to be wheeled down the hall, I said I wanted to walk (a distance of maybe 75 feet). Before I went in, I said I had to go to the bathroom. I really felt pressure to go but couldn't but I did continue to have the hard contractions. I went into the AFI room and the sonographer asked me to lie down. I tried but was so uncomfortable that I couldn't. I kept trying but stayed standing. I remember leaning on a counter and just crying from the pain. The sonographer said "I'm going to get a doctor." Dr. Schoenhage came in and said "this isn't (like) Melanie" and said "we need to get a room." She and another doctor, Dr. Stafford, quickly escorted me back down that same hall looking for an open L&D room but there were none. As they looked one doctor said for me to sit down and the other said that I didn't want to. I did stop walking to hold myself against a wall for another contraction. By this time, I realized "oh, these are contractions and they're like 2-3 minutes apart!" I was still so early, and I wasn't having terrible back labor like I did with Connor, I didn't even really realize it.

When the doctors couldn't find an open room, they had me go back to the same bed I had just been laying in for my NST. The doctor pulled the curtain and asked me to change into a hospital gown. I was so uncomfy I had a hard time doing so but finally managed. Then she said to lie on the bed again but I couldn't, it hurt so bad. She said I needed to so she could check me. I tried again but couldn't so she finally said to just do it quickly and put my legs up right away. That worked. She checked me and looked at the nurse who said "there's nothing there is there?" She said no and that I was at a 10! I started crying saying it was too early, couldn't we stop it? She said "there's nothing there honey, there's nothing we can do." I cried that they weren't ready and there would be problems. She said "she (meaning Amelia) will be fine. You had the steroid shots (given when I was admitted at 25 weeks) and any other problems, the NICU can take care of." She said I'd better call my husband so I dialed him on my cell phone but when he answered, I was in another contraction and couldn't speak so the doctor spoke to him and told him to hurry, that I was having this baby now and he'd better be quick or he'd miss it. Later he told me he could hear me crying and knew this was serious. Thankfully he was already on the road to work so that made it closer for him to get there (we live about 45 minutes away from the hospital).

They wheeled me on the bed down the hall into an available L&D room. The doctor said the babies could come out anytime but that she needed an IV in me. A nurse came over to put one in my left hand. I asked her if she was good at putting in IVs because the last time (the day I was admitted) it took the nurse 3 times to get it in. She said she could get an IV in someone that others couldn't so I assumed that would be true. No such luck. She tried 3 times on that arm. Someone else went in my vein on the other arm, at the elbow, to start antibiotics for strep B (I had to remind them that I was positive) and another started again in my left arm, at the elbow, to draw blood for the newborn possibilities (for saving the cord blood from Amelia). When a nurse tried another IV at my wrist, I screamed out in pain and said that it felt like she was driving the needle into my bone (she probably was seeing where the puncture mark was). I think she finally gave up (that was 4 tries in addition to each elbow).

The doctor had left during this time to go get her boots. She said "I'm going to need boots for this one" knowing that Abigail had 3 times the normal amount of amniotic fluid in addition to Amelia's fluid. When she heard me scream, she came running but was told it was just the IV. She said I must be feeling like a pincushion- yeah! Then I said for them to just put the IV in my elbow since they had no trouble getting blood out of it so that's what they did. I said I wanted pain killer but the doc told me it was too late. I whined a little that I didn't want to go through natural childbirth! [I really don't understand why they couldn't give me something because I was at a 9 when I came in with Connor and they were still able to give me a saddleblock. Maybe it was better though because this time I could actually feel where to push and the babies came out fast. With Connor, I pushed for 2 hours probably because I couldn't feel where to push. He was finally delivered with forceps.]

Then I said we needed to call Ammon to find out where he was. A nurse called and he was in the parking lot. I said for someone to go out and meet him so he wouldn't waste anytime trying to check in and find us so a nurse went out to meet him. He walked in the door, the doctor broke my water and said to push. Ammon literally walked in 1 minute before I pushed and and made it just 5 minutes before Amelia was born. In hindsight, I guess we were lucky they had a hard time with my IV because it bought Ammon some time to be at the birth. I pushed about 4 times and Amelia was out. It was PAINFUL and I screamed loud and long. Ammon recorded it on my cell phone. He took lots of pics and several videos of the births.

Ammon kissing our little princess, Amelia. She was born at 3:23pm and weighed 4 lbs 3.2 ozs and was 17.5 ins long. She cried heartily when she came out. I'm sure the shock of the cold air after the warmth of the womb on top of the birth made her wail. She stopped crying once the doctor wrapped her up and placed her on my chest. Amelia

Abigail Then the docs prepared for Abigail's birth. I remember looking around the room and seeing so many doctors and nurses. I asked someone to count how many were there. A nurse counted 12- wow! In addition to my doctor and nurses, there was a whole team of NICU docs and nurses ready for this high-risk multiple birth.

Twenty minutes after Amelia was born, Abigail was born at 3:37pm weighing 2 lbs 14 ozs and measuring 12.5 ins long. The doctor broke my water and literally a gallon of water came gushing out. Everyone was like 'whoa!' I thought "good thing that doctor had her boots!" Because I was already dialated from having Amelia, Abigail came out easily.

Ammon saw Abigail's face immediately after the doctor cut the cord.  She seemed to blink her eyes in amazement and a sudden shock came across her face as she came to experience that life outside of mommy was very different and obviously did not feel good.

The doctors wrapped her in a blanket and laid her on my chest. The NICU doctor, Dr Lichauco, put a hat on her head as she was lying in my arms. Ammon filmed her brief first moments of life. Abigail's eyes opened, her arms moved, she grasped my finger, she breathed some and then a sudden awareness came across her face that it was difficult to do so. I suppose it was a brief struggle but then a realization that this situation was different than inside the womb and she seemed to just accept it. After a few moments, I remember asking her doctor if she was still breathing and he checked her heartbeat with a stethiscope. He said she was still alive. [I was later told by Dr Connely (ironically the same doctor that first told us Abigail had anencephaly) that newborns hearts keep breathing for a long time after they take their last breath. They have a much better oxygen efficiency than adults do. She said that very early newborns can breathe through their skin keeping their hearts beating for hours.]

I was able to hold Abigail almost the whole time she was alive. When it was time to try and deliver the placentas, I handed her to Ammon, since it was painful and I had to concentrate. She grasped his finger and he held her tenderly and tearfully. During this painful time (emotionally) I was trying hard to pass the placentas (which was painful physically) interrupted occassionally by her doctor coming in to check on her a couple more times to see if her heart was still beating.  Ammon and I passed Abigail back and forth a few times so that we would be able to spend some time together, and whisper words of love to her during the brief time that we held her alive.  As I held her Ammon asked any non-essential staff to please leave so that he could bless her in some privacy, which he tearfully did.  A few minutes later while holding Ammon's finger, Abigail quietly passed away at 4:20pm (about 40 minutes after birth).

As Ammon softly informed me that she was gone I then faced the unexpected struggle of trying unsuccessfully to deliver the placentas but they weren't detaching. The doctor said we needed to get them out soon or I would need to have an epidural so she could scrape them out. If that didn't work, worst case scenario would be a hysterectomy!! I was shocked that could be a possibility. I prayed to God that after this difficult pregnancy and knowing Abigail would die to please not let that happen and that my body would release the placentas. The doctor tried again but nothing. She had the anesthesiologist come in and talk to me about pain relief for the procedure. I was offered demerol or an epidural. Because I had had demerol when I was first admitted at 25 weeks and it knocked me out, I opted for the epidural. Then the docs left the room to prep for the procedure. After they were gone a few minutes and while I was holding Abigail again for the last time before she passed, I felt the need to push. I told the nurse that I needed to push and she said to do so. She called for the doctor to come back in who arrived in time to deliver my placentas. What an immediate answer to prayer that I didn't need to have the epidural and procedure or the hysterectomy!! I have to say that this whole pregnancy through birth and death of Abigail experience has been an answer to prayer. Definitely not in the way we would have asked or hoped but in the way God knew He could teach us best. Despite our difficulties I feel He has supported us and turned our pain into joy.

During the times I had held Abigail, I tried to focus on her as much as possible knowing our time together was coming to an end.  I held my baby and tried to memorize everything about her. Her little body was absolutely perfect from her nose down. She had very long arms and legs and long fingers and feet just like Amelia. I just feel so privileged to have that little girl as my own. As I said at her funeral, she was very much alive and lived inside me. She was the more active twin always moving around. On the ultrasounds, she was almost always head to head with Amelia and would often reach out to give her sister love taps. Losing a child as we did is nothing I would wish on anyone but the experiences I gained and the closeness to God that I have felt, including His comforting Spirit, are precious gifts that I would not trade. I have been taught so much because of having that little girl. Because of her, I have been humble in accepting God's will for us. She has helped me to appreciate and cherish every day. 

As difficult as the pregnancy was and as much as I wished it over, I still wanted it to last forever because that's when I could feel my Abigail within me. That's when she was here with me. I will love that little girl forever and look forward to the day when I get to see her again, with a perfect body through the gift of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and have the chance to hold her and raise her. That gives me so much hope and incentive to do my best each day to be able to be a family together forever someday. As much as I grieve and miss her and cry over the growing up experiences I won't be able to have with her here and now, I know and feel comforted in that all my tears will be made up by a loving Father in Heaven. I feel He has been grieving along with me for the pain of my loss.

On the day of Abigail's funeral, 2/20/10, it poured all morning. I felt like that was God crying along with me. Following the service and luncheon, we went to take Ammon's grandmother back to Mesa and go to the temple. As we were dropping her off, the most majestic double rainbow showed up in the sky. I felt like it was God showing us that there is life and happiness and joy after this painful time. We took lots of pictures of the rainbows over the temple- the symbol and source of the promise that our family can and will be together forever. I know God's promises are sure for I have felt the sweet, peaceful feeling of His Spirit confirming that truth. My time with Abigail was so sacred. I will cherish it always.

Within an hour of her passing, Connor arrived at the hospital as well as our bereavement photographer. Amelia was allowed out of the NICU for family pictures. (Sadly that is still the only time Connor has held her so far since she's still in the NICU). Our photographer was wonderful and spent about an hour with us snapping shots to capture the feelings of the moment. I now have cherished photos capturing everything from my crying face to smiles of all of us being together and of Connor holding each of his precious sisters. Most of these pictures are too private to share on my blog, especially those of Abigail which I have chosen not to post any pictures of her but I would be willing to show them to those who would like to see them. She and Amelia are my angels and I feel so privileged to be their mother.

Here is one picture of Connor where he is kissing Abigail's foot.

Connor so excited to see his baby sister Amelia.

I love these three pictures of Connor looking at Amelia. 

This first shows him not quite sure what to do with such a little baby...

Here he seems to be taking it all in...

  and at last Amelia is looking right at his overjoyed face - love it!

I absolutely love these too with Amelia's little hand up by her face.

It's as if she's saying "oh, what am I getting myself into?" 

(Ammon thinks it looks like her saluting "hello.")

Since the births, death and funeral

It's been 3 weeks now that Amelia has been in the NICU. I have visited her everyday, except for the day we buried Abigail on 2/23/10. It was Abigail's day and our last with her. How precious the funeral and graveside were. The Spirit was so strong and I felt very comforted by God, despite my ever-present tears and obvious sadness.  Several people that are not of our faith (including doctors present at the blessing, and mourners at the funeral and grave-side service) commented on just how spiritually deep and strangely strengthening it has been to hear Ammon and my testimonies throughout this experience.

Amelia has been growing steadily stronger and has gained a pound in the time she's been hospitalized. I noticed in her growth record that she lost weight everyday until Abigail's funeral and then started to gain. I don't know what that means but perhaps there was a connection between the girls. There definitely was one in utero and one I know will last for always. 

Me looking so ridiculously happy to see Amelia after giving birth.

This all truly has been full of moments that took our breath away... then moments that brought it back...