Nu hairdo...baldness

On my mission to France, new missionaries would often incorrectly introduce themselves as being "new" by saying "Je suis nu". It was funny because the word 'nu' in French means 'naked'. Trainers would often silently chuckle at the newbie mistake (I know I did) before correcting them of course ;)

That describes how I feel these days...

"I am naked"

...without my hair. 

The last day I had hair. Actually, I'm covering a bit of a bald spot with this scarf.

Last week was a tough week for me. 
I lost all my hair. 
It just kept coming out.  
I would lose about half of the hair I had the previous day. 
Each morning it looked like I lost a small animal from my head. 
It took less than a week.

I have to admit, the hair loss part of cancer has affected me much more than I thought it would. It's a vain thing, I know, but it's the first visible sign that the cancer is real. Even so, I do feel annoyed with myself that I am bothered by my baldness. I guess it's understandable since having hair is something I've always had and to not have it feels so wrong. Men can pull it off well but for women, it's just shocking. I feel so exposed.

The last day I woke up with hair, it was too matted to even brush out so I cut it. I went that day to the wig lady who finished buzzing it for me. When she was done I said "I look like one of my brothers!" I was surprised at how much I especially resembled my brother Jason (the one on the right).

My 3 brothers. 

I haven't let anyone see my bald head except for the wig lady and Amelia (and I don't think she knows what she's looking at). And, I won't be posting any pictures of myself bald any time soon. Looking at my brothers in their short boy haircuts is the closest you'll get to what I look like with no hair ;)

In what he calls a gesture of love, Ammon shaved his head too. He is totally bald...by choice! I told him he didn't have to do it to which he responded that he knew he didn't have to but that he wanted to. He said "love makes you do crazy things!" I agree. I think it's sweet.

Baldie but goodie

I have been wearing mostly hats lately to cover my shorn head. It's been chilly enough for knit caps so that's been convenient. I've worn my lovely wig out a few times too. I always feel self conscious when I wear it because I feel like everyone is staring at me knowing it's fake. Maybe they do. I guess I just need to get over that because this will be my life for awhile.


Health-wise, I've felt really pretty good. Much better than expected and I attribute that to the power of prayer on behalf of so many kind family and friends (thank you everyone). 

My white blood cell count was down last week so I had to delay chemo by one day to see if my blood count had come up, which it had, so I received it last week as planned. But, to increase the production of white blood cells from my bone marrow going forward, I have to take a daily shot. This is evaluated each week through my bloodwork to see if it is needed. For this week, my numbers were good enough to get chemo and my doctor wants me to continue with the shots hoping I can have next week off from the shots (an early Christmas gift?).


Although, I hate needles the shots aren't that bad. I do them myself right into my stomach. I'm somewhat used to self-administered shots since I gave myself daily shots for about 3 months for my last pregnancy. Still, every time I do it, I have to work myself up to it. I know it's all mental but I totally get this anxiety about it. I guess that eventually will become routine and cease to bother me, as so many other weird cancer things will as well (like being bald...I don't know about that one). 

It's amazing how much I used to take for granted (like having hair, health, feeling good all the time, no pain from multiple surgeries, food aversions, etc...). 

All and all, though, I really can't complain. 

I really am blessed. 

I really do believe: 

1) God let me find this cancer when I did because He intended to save my life,

2) He didn't make it impossible to cure (i.e. I was able to have surgery to remove the problem), 

3) There have been advancements in chemotherapy to an almost "proven" science of what works (including what medications to give to reduce side effects like nausea (but nothing for hair loss yet unfortunately)) to help  kill the rest of the cancer. 

I concur with what an LDS pathologist friend of mine told me that God is the Master Physician. He is the source of all knowledge, including medicine, and has allowed man to "discover" it in order to preserve life. Look at the advances in medicine in the last 50 or 100 years-- it can only be called divine. I owe so much to God, to doctors that have dedicated their lives to finding cures and making advances in medicine and to former cancer patients that tried these drugs that are now the standard treatments from which I benefit. 

4) I'm going to beat this. I have so many things on my side including having been healthy to this point, I'm young, I take care of myself, I am positive, I have faith in God, I have an excellent support system, I have excellent doctors and medicine and I have the will to live! All of these will bring me a favorable outcome I am sure.